Happy new year

In my fourth post in this blog, in 2004, I used a quote from Muriel Rukeyser at the opening of my text. I said I did not know who was this author and promised to find out.

Well, Muriel Rukeyser was an American writer and activist, feminist rights advocate. She wrote a series of poems when was young and, well, I also said in the same text that would speak more about using phrases from famous people and the implications behind this custom. I will, but not now.

Before, I must to remember that we are already in January 2011. A new year begins and I hope it is a very good year. I hope it's better than 2009, a bad year and 2010, one of the worst imaginable year. We must be realistic: not all years are good years and there are years really tough.

I want 2010 to be remembered as a year personally difficult, but at the same time productive. A year of sowing, of struggle, achievement not effective yet, but in promise. Achievements to be fruitful in the years ahead.

I also remember that I'm on vacation. I'm in a premium lay-off, actually. The first of my life.

I'm home with absolutely no commitment, but by no means peaceful, calm or happy.

How can I be calm with a life so difficult? How can I be at peace when also 2011 promises to be one most very tumultuous and uncertain year? How can I feel happy with so many challenges?

How could I be happy just to be able to fight?

I do not know whether the mere struggle for life is in itself reason to be happy.

Anyway, I'm insecure, frustrated and without direction. I see no solution to my problems in the short term, and they, the problems, are many, though not necessarily fatal.

So that 2011 be a year of change, though not of peace and tranquility.

But this view of the uneasy future is just that: a vision. The world continues as it always followed, unmoved front of my life and my problems. I do not mean a thing and I step through life as a fly passes its existence in a vast and dense forests. I'm in my forties and living an existential crisis more severe and painful that I have lived in my last year. Yes, life is for me an eternal crisis. I'm hairy, bearded and fat. I'm terrible.

 

My chaotic life remains chaotic.

Just to try to lessen my feeling of guilt for not fulfilling my promises, for not having the courage to chase my dreams and for being a coward by not making decisions that could change my life for the better, so today I decided to tidy my books .

My bookshelves were and are crammed. I buy books compulsively, as if the mere presence of them forming one pile on a shelf would solve my problems.

Then, with free time and plenty of guilt, I decided organize this big disorder.

Then I counted the books.

Yes, I counted my books!

I figured it had something around 700 books.

But no: I have about 1330 books.

That's right: 1330 books or so.

So I came to a conclusion. I need time to read them, but this is not the main problem.

The hardest thing now is space. I need space. I desperately need the space.

I can not stand to live squeezed into my little rented apartment.

I'll have to change soon. I live in rent and I can not afford sufficient financial and professional stability to the point of buying my own property. We live in a speculative real estate bubble in Brazil and buy anything right now is pure idiocy. But one way or another, I have to move to another location within a few months.

It will have the opportunity to get more space. Oh, how I need space!

Incidentally, I've been playing Sim City 3000. I have my little town called Tujuguaba, obviously, and it was stagnant for years, with its 25,000 inhabitants. So, I took the day off and took a few hours to play. It's a cool thing.

I actually have hundreds of computer games that, like the books I bought and never played. In fact, even took the packaging. I always hoped that one day I would play them.

Compulsive shopping. Mania of accumulate things. Inability to enjoy things that could bring me pleasure. Afraid to get involved in vices. Yes, I have a lot of trouble.

I hope that in 2011 I at least try to address them.

Merry 2011, even though delayed by nine days long.